When you get married, you’re not thinking about if it will ever end, But instead what goes through your mind is the thought of growing old together.
Taylor and I met in Los Angeles on November 19th, 2010. It was a well-known Goth/Industrial Club called Das Bunker near downtown Los Angeles. I was with my Best friend “Bleach” in the Smoking patio section of the club, when Taylor and his group of 3 others walked in. My best friend and I joked around that they were most likely gay. After we approached them and spoke to them for a little, it was clear they were not. Under circumstances, I had ended up stranded at the club. Luckily, one of Taylor’s friends offered a ride to me. All of us ended up back at the place I was renting, joking around and rambling on about random things until 5am.
Taylor and I had this spark. I felt like a kid in grade school wanting to write little notes saying “will you go out with me? check yes or check no”. It was so silly. A week beforehand, I literally just turned 19. After that night, We spent EVERY SINGLE Day together.. A few weeks after we met, He asked me to marry him (I said I would think about it, haha) But soon after On January 13th 2011, We were Married.
We rented a small apartment on the beach in Oceanside. Our honeymoon phase consisted of mostly drunken nights and Cant stop touching/holding each other..we even got each others names tattooed on our ring fingers. It was so romantic and adorable, I’m sure we made quite a few people sick. My favorite memories is our conversations on our front porch until the sun rose the next morning. Or how every Thursday we would walk to the Street market, Grab coffee and people watch. Sure.. We fought, but it wasn’t until after our first miscarriage in May 2011.
After The miscarriage, we wanted to keep trying for a baby. Which caused the tension to rise. Some people told me at the time to just leave then.. But I couldn’t. I was so head over heels and I only thought of how much pain I would cause Taylor if I just left him..We got married a little fast, but we were still learning about each other..I believed in our marriage and I loved him.I loved the idea of growing old with someone and being able to annoy them for the rest of my life..
We were pregnant with Sallie jane shortly after..and things sort of calmed down for a bit.
We had a tumultuous first year of marriage. I learned pretty early on that he had an alcohol addiction, As did I before we started Trying for a baby. That became a domino effect on our relationship.
Our way of solving our issues was to pretend that it never happened. We never got around to Couples counseling.. We were stubborn. Perhaps, if we actually attended marriage counseling early on when our arguments started, would we still be getting a divorce today?..
I think that maybe even being married wasn’t the right thing. We rushed into everything. Perhaps, just keeping our friendship is what we need. And of course Co-parenting to raise our Daughter to her full potential.
Love does not conquer all… it just doesn’t.
I was spending so much time feeling hurt and unhappy because i feel like I wasn’t working hard enough to make the marriage work. But the truth is, No matter what happens between Taylor and I, I will always love him. I love him deeply, honestly and completely every minute of the day. Even if the only relationship we have is a friendship.
I do "Mom" stuff 